Confession #2

And it may be quite blank: I have been struggling and I haven't even known it.

Once things became such a pattern and part of my routine of life, they began to cover up my true self. A temporary veil was put in front of my eyes and I was blind to everything. Everything that God tried to whisper to me through people and even what the enemy was speaking to me. I have believed one huge lie that could've completely destroyed me. And that lie is that I'm fake.

I have always strived to be everything but fake. I've always desired to be authentic. Not to stand out or get attention but because I have seen the hypocritical world and was almost sucked into it and God scared me away from it. I was not meant to be in that world. None of us are. But that lie snuck into my heart so fast and completely overwhelmed my thoughts. Anything I did I thought it was fake and without true meaning.

Up until about last year, I was one of the most depressed people you could ever meet. I was a pawn of the world, I did whatever it told me. It got to the point where I didn't want to live. And for the longest time I thought I was alive only so the devil could toy with me, because he did. He penetrated my mind and completely warped every single one of my thoughts to be of how unworthy, shameful, disgusting, lost, and dangerous I was. But I didn't want any of that, I hated who I was. And God saw how much I desired to serve him and be completely transformed by him. He made me new. From then on, I became genuine about everything I did. My heart swells with passion for the lost, the hurting, the depressed, the oppressed, the poor, the sick, the orphans, the trafficked, and the people just like how I was. I long to be loyal to God. I desire for God to change people's lives like he changed mine.

And I was reminded tonight that if my life has changed that much, there is no way my heart is fake.